DISCLAIMER:  Before I begin today’s post, I must make a disclaimer.  Today’s story is a farce.  I will make no efforts to try to make you believe what I claim because it is pure fantasy that  has but one purpose:  to possibly make you laugh.  This post might even qualify to be on other purely satirical websites such as The Onion or The Babylon Bee.  Above all else, please, please, please do not consider any theology included in this post to be anything that I profess as part of my faith.  This post also does not reflect the views and opinions of the Perry County Lutheran Historical Society.  Having said that, I will proceed.

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Very soon, our Perry County area will be experiencing an event that has been much in the news around here and around the country lately.  It’s the total solar eclipse which will take place on August 21st, and we happen to be one of the best viewing areas because of the length of time for totality we will experience.  In a previous post, I referred to it as Martin Luther’s Eclipse because it is happening during the same year as the 500th anniversary of the Reformation.  In that post, it was said that Theodor von Oppolzer predicted the upcoming eclipse back in 1887.  This map that he published shows this prediction.

Yet, von Oppolzer went beyond this year’s predicted eclipse which takes place on August 21, 2017, or as it says on the map, 2017 VIII 21.  This great mathematician predicted several other eclipses that will take place after this one.  In fact, the next one he predicted is also on the image above.  It is set to take place on April 8, 2024 (2024 IV 8).  If you look at this map closely, you will see that the path for that eclipse seven years from now intersects this year’s path, and where that intersection is located happens to be right here in Perry County, Missouri.  Here is a more recent map which shows these two paths.

Indeed, X marks the spot.  It also marks a spot where there just so happen to be a lot of Lutherans.  I will ask the obvious old Lutheran question once asked by none other than Martin Luther himself, “What does this mean?”

It must mean that God has a message for us, and I think I know what that message is.  But before I attempt to answer that question, let me point out a few other items of interest.

First, a few facts that I have gleaned out of the German Family Tree we have in the Starzinger Research Library at the Lutheran Heritage Center & Museum.

• Elizabeth Brandt was born on April 8th, the day when the 2024 eclipse will occur.  She married August Schade.  Most people who don’t live around here would pronounce that name as “shade”, although around here it is pronounce “shaw-dee”.  This couple went on to have children and grandchildren which take up three pages in our German Family Tree binder.  I’d say that’s a lot of shade to be associated with an eclipse day.
• Henry Sonnenberg was born on August 21st, the day this year’s eclipse will occur.  The German word for sun is “Sonne”.  Need I say more?
• Franz and Lina Starzinger were married on April 8th.  I would call an eclipse a real Star Zinger.
• There is even an Evan Sonoff in the Trinity, Altenburg records.  I’d call an eclipse a “Sun off” event.

If you really want to be spooked by another predicted astronomical event, watch this video referring to a prophecy made in Revelation 12:1-2.

According to this video, this astronomical alignment will take place in the sky on Saturday, September 23, 2017.  Local people here in East Perry County know exactly what that means.  It will occur smack dab in the middle of the East Perry Community Fair.  This is an annual event which some say attracts about 30,000 people to Altenburg.  And if that is not enough, look at what will happen at that fair this year at 8:30 am on that Saturday.

The judging of sheep and goats is an obvious reference to the Messiah coming on Judgment Day to separate the sheep from the goats as mentioned in Matthew 25:32.

So the handwriting is on the wall.  This year we will experience the event which will start a seven year clock that will tick off the time leading up to a second apocalyptic event.  Then this fall, we will get a reminder that God means business.  I submit to you that we are heading toward an imminent Lutheran Rapture.  When the second eclipse occurs seven years from now (and yes, seven is considered the number of “completeness” in Scripture), those people who are officially members of Lutheran churches and are physically located within the confines of the spot of intersection of these two eclipses, will be taken immediately up to heaven.  You won’t need to purchase indulgences.  You won’t need to pay a fee.  You just have to be a Lutheran, and that comes through Grace Alone, Faith Alone, and Scripture Alone.  And you have to be here.  That’s it.  That’s how I interpret the signs of the times.

And how about you?  Will you qualify for the Lutheran Rapture?  If you are not a Lutheran, will you become one?  Will you make the pilgrimage to Perry County in 2024, Missouri to partake in this magnificent event?  I suggest you start making plans now.  Or will you choose to stick around on Earth and wait till after this event to take advantage of purchasing a lot of very beautiful and cheap property that is left behind by all the local Lutherans that have gone away?

If you are willing to make a sizable non-refundable down payment to our museum, we can make the proper legal arrangements to allow you to purchase the museum property after this event occurs.  Call us and we will negotiate.

If you know someone that you want to join the Lutheran Rapture, please share this post with them.